Our week: Everybody*

Whatever your side of the divide, this is funny …

Boris Johnson’s biblical knowledge leaves a lot to be desired
Boris Johnson’s biblical knowledge leaves a lot to be desired 

MONDAY

Jacob Rees-Mogg
Thank you, yes, a most fruitful visit to Chequers. It has changed nothing. The prime minister, who I admire and respect enormously, wishes to sell our children into slavery. No bread is better than a bad loaf. Panem non sit something something.

Between us, I only did O level. Ask Boris.

Boris Johnson
1. And Boris spoke unto the nation, saying, Let my people go!
1.1 And the nation, as if with one voice, said, Eh?
1.2 And Boris hath said, Oh come, it’s Charlton Heston, as thingy, who came out from Egypt.
1.3 And Biblical scholars spake in confusion, saying, But that means we must spend 40 years in the desert living off bread, and only our children shall see the promised land.
1.4 And Boris hath said, Look, don’t make a fuss, you get the general idea.
1.5 Lo, and the nation hath said, We’re not clear who the Egyptians are, either.
1.6 And Jeremy Hunt hath said, My wife is Egyptian.
1.7 And then he hath said, Oh wait, no she isn’t.

Theresa May
In cabinet, everybody wants to know the secret plan.

“There is no secret plan,” sighs David Lidington.

“Of course there is!” I say. “I’m close to securing not quite enough support for a vote the Speaker still says we’re not allowed to have!”

 

John Bercow
I shall accept amendments. You may kiss my ring.

Oliver Letwin
I’m canvassing support for my amendment. In the bars of the Commons, I’m asking people to let Letwin win.

“Win what?” asks one of the newer MPs. “With Letwin,” I say, “it’s win-win! Then we can begin! The fin!”

“Everybody told me you were weird,” says the MP. “Chin-chin!” I say, raising my gin.

TUESDAY

Nigel Farage
Listen chum, those Westminster types don’t care about you. They’re not democrats like us on the March for Leave! Change the route? No. I don’t care if there’s almost 70 of you. I need to end up at the airport.

The ERG WhatsApp group
Wtf is happening with JRM? Has he gone soft?

He’s not on this. He only does telegrams.

Traitors should be bayoneted.

Calm down Mark.

Guys, let’s be honest. This group has always been divided between people who are actually mad and people who are only pretending.

So which am I?

Andrea, you know that if you have to ask . . .

Jacob Rees-Mogg
The fact is, half a loaf is better than no bread. Dimidium panis . . . tum te tum. The situation has changed. The deal is still bad, but the lesser of two evils. Dealum baddus, baddus smallus . . . look, I’m very busy.

David Davis
I now support the deal that I resigned in protest against.

Iain Duncan Smith
I would be in that situation too if Theresa had ever given me a job, but she didn’t. So I didn’t, so I’m not, but I do.

The DUP
As a general rule of thumb, we’re against everything.

WEDNESDAY

All MPs
Our numerous indicative votes have conclusively indicated that we’re buggered if we know what to do, either.

Oliver Letwin
Actually it seems more lose-lose.

The ERG WhatsApp Group
Guys, can anybody explain to me why we shouldn’t call our leaders the Grand Wizards?

Sounds like cultural marxism.

No, no. It’s a Klan thing.

Scottish?

Other Klan. Sheets on heads.

Burkas?

Never mind.

Jacob Rees-Mogg
My Honourable Friend strikes the pose of Munchton House Boy from the Lower Fourth! When actually he is more like a beak in the Luptons Quadrangle during Short Leave!

Quite a lot of other MPs
Boom. Nailed it.

Barry Gardiner
We support a referendum on a Tory Brexit, but not on a Labour Brexit. In other words, vote for us if you want one, and hopefully you won’t get one. In related news, I’m the shadow trade secretary, so I don’t get why it’s always me who has to say this crap on the radio, either.

Rest of the Labour Party
We also felt it really important to have a small antisemitism scandal today. Just in case all that other stuff wasn’t bad enough.

Theresa May
I shall resign if I win, but not if I lose. Hang on, I haven’t said that out loud before and I’m suddenly worried it’s rather mad.

Most of the Conservative Party
Too late. We salute your integrity and bravery and think you are completely great, except for literally everything you have ever done until exactly now.

Boris Johnson
2. And Boris spoke unto the nation saying, Ah but look, I suppose we might have been at cross purposes about the whole Let My People Go thing.
2.1 And what’s more, my mind has sort of changed about the deal thing, actually, even though I resigned about it.
2.2 And between us, I did actually initially write two columns about it.
2.3 But maybe I published the wrong one.

THURSDAY

Liz Truss
Forget the leadership. I’m sorry, but now is not the time to talk about how great I’d be, especially as opposed to other candidates who have fundamental problems, especially Sajid, who isn’t that bright, and Jeremy who, you’ll remember, actually forgot where his wife was from.

Theresa May
The next meaningful vote is only going to be about the withdrawal agreement and not the political declaration, too. Philip Hammond says it’s very cunning, because it sounds like a concession. Whereas actually, it’s like saying, “Lend me a tenner to spend however I like” to somebody just after they’ve refused when you said, “Lend me a tenner to spend on vodka.”

“Also,” he adds, “lend me a tenner.”

“Why?” I say, handing one over.

“No reason,” says Philip. “Where can I get some vodka?”

Mark Francois
I wouldn’t vote for this deal if you put a shotgun in my mouth. But I might if you put a donut in my mouth. Try me. Fooled you. Nice donut.

The ERG WhatsApp Group
Should we really be calling ourselves Spartans now? Didn’t they all die?

Not sure. Only saw the film.

Is anybody still speaking to Jacob?

Guys, never mind that. Somebody needs to check on Steve.

I don’t think he’s really got a bulldozer.

Check tho.

The entire cabinet
I think that guy just quoted me on Newsnight.

FRIDAY

Heidi Allen
The Independent Group is to become a proper political party called Change UK, and I’m the leader! I’d expected more of a fight from Chuka, but he said he was OK with this so long as he had complete autonomy over the logo.

Mark Francois
I won’t hold my nose and vote for the deal, because you can’t hold your nose with your hands up in surrender. Which I haven’t got. Which I suppose means I could. But I’m still not going to. Guns.

Nigel Farage
No, let me finish. It’s actually quite a big crowd.

Gerard Batten
I suppose they were all put off by the way the Metropolitan Police are armed with depleted uranium.

Dominic Raab
I also now support the deal I resigned over. It turns out that the reason we haven’t got Brexit yet is that people like me keep voting against it. I hadn’t quite understood the full extent of this.

The DUP
No, you can’t have the billion back.

Theresa May
OK, so you’ll never guess what my secret plan for next week is.

*according to Hugo Rifkind

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